No, Longino did not tick me off, this post is about why Austin, TX, the city I love, is terrible. Certain cities that have a lot going for them have managed to keep away a lot of people by having stereotypes propagated to keep people away.
Seattle is a lush, green, urban landscape with only like 2 places in the whole city that don’t have views of the cities 412 lakes. The restaurants are awesome, the people are very polite and you can go skiing by driving in any direction. The summer is pleasant and cool enough that many places don’t even need air conditioning. Oh, and no state income tax plus a vibrant economy catering to an extremely educated populace. But ask any person about Seattle? “It rains ALL the time, its an alright city if the weather doesn’t make you physically take your own life.” The city did an excellent job of branding to keep people out.
San Francisco has the same thing with how outlandishly liberal everyone thinks it is, all you ever hear about is how the pinko-commie 9th circuit court of appeals is upholding 4th graders’ rights to snort pixie dust while taking Pastafarian religious holidays off from public schools or how the nutjob mayor is putting the homeless population to work growing weed to give to anybody who wants it. But the city rocks, like seriously, I don’t remember the last time I was north of San Mateo and didn’t have a blast.
Austin needs a way to keep out all the Californians*, cuz all they hear about is how its the only sane part of Texas. I think the harsh environment is the key to success in this marketing campaign.
Texas is HOT. I know you think its hot wherever you live because sometimes you sweat when you wear a t-shirt outside. No, that’s not what heat is, heat is when you lose 10% of your body mass to sweating walking from your car to the grocery store. When you leave the car running to keep the air conditioning on cuz otherwise you’ll get 2nd degree burns sitting on cloth seats. Every year about 12 percent of the population suffers mild brain damage as a result of the heat, which leads into my next point.
Texans are crazy. Sure, there’s that whole ‘friendly’ thing that we try to sell you on, but a lot of it is just to size you up, figure out if you need to be culled (for those of you not from Texas, culling is the process by which the weak are removed from the herd, think barbecue). Many newcomers to the state from the coasts are startled by the fact that people will strike up conversations with you at any time, in line at the market, in a parking lot, in a park. DO NOT BE FOOLED! The Texan is probably armed and Chapter 14 of the penal code actually classifies target practice and insufficiently friendly as crimes of passion which are only class B misdemeanors with either a 25 dollar fine or up to 2 hours in a county jail (and in Travis and Williamson counties, you get a complimentary 6 pack of Shiner Bock during your stay if the victim was from a state that voted for Kerry).
And if it’s not the human Texans out to get you, its the wildlife.Central Texas is one of those happy regions home to both the brown recluse and the black widow, the two deadliest spiders in North America, and while in other states they generally avoid humans and can be crushed by a common shoe, in Texas they are aggressive and most can only be killed by boots (hence their continued popularity). I say most, because there are those few that cannot be dropped by less than a .22 round (the reason so many Texans carry firearms (and of course to finish off conversations in the supermarket)).
In conclusion, Austin is terrible. Philip Henry Sheridan, a calvary officer in the civil war and overseeing Louisiana and Texas in the Reconstruction era, once stated “If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell”. The rent better be cheap, because the A/C is permanently broken, the place is infested with deadly critters and the neighbors are homicidal maniacs.
*Yes, I spent the years between the ages of 4 and 18 in California and then immigrated to Texas. But my birth certificate says Dallas on it and I say yall and fixin’ to and will not ever build a Mediterranean style home, nor continue associating with someone who through action or inaction allows one to be built.