davemclain.com

It doesn’t work.

Of all the problems with America, the greatest is the lack of men. We’re an entire generation that doesn’t know how to step up, doesn’t know how to take responsibility, doesn’t know how to lead. I guess it’s not surprising since we’ve become a culture of serial polygamists, divorcing and re-marrying as if marriage were no more than a piece of paper, andincreasingly that’s all it is. And so rather than mimicing our fathers, we mimic that which we see portrayed in our culture. Watch any action film and you’ll see the same hero; reckless, with all the best toys, physically attractive, and pursues physical intimacy with at least one female character who oftentimes only exists in the plot as a toy for the hero.

Conversations i have with my peers constantly scare me, because i realize that i’m not alone in being completely terrified by everything that i’m supposed to be. They scare me because i see in so many of us a constant tension between our image and our reality. We don’t know how to be men, so we try to act like men. In my life, i think that’s manifested itself as my constant struggle to be seen as smart, to be seen as intelligent beyond my years. Being proven wrong is real painful for me because for much of my life its been the definition of who i am. And many times i’ve pushed myself into corners through procrastination and laziness to push intelligence and cleverness further. I used to think it was because of the thrill of the last minute, but oftentimes i wonder if its because i want to fail. For so long i’ve defined my false self as one who does not fail, and so illogically i could become who i am through failure.As if somehow by forcing the outward sign, i could manifest the inward change. It is only in our most vulnerable moments that most of us let the distance between who we are and who we show the world be observed, but the men that i have had the priviledge to know well enough to see behind the shell have shown me that which has encouraged me. It is not a shell but a skin.

When there is a tension between who we are, what we want to become and what we ought to become, something has to give. For most of America in this “enlightened” age, morality is a four letter word, so ought goes right out the window, leaving a boy only aware of the difference between where he stands, and where he wants to be. The first lie that’s been told to us since we were old enough to get a gold star, is that we should just be happy with who we are, that acceptance of everything is the way to go. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that i’m saying that there is no room for self worth and satisfaction, but there’s no room for complacency. This is the touchy-feely maturation process whereby you’ve achieved the optimum state by bringing your shell closer and closer inward until you’re showing your weak self to the world. The second lie is that of pretending to actually be that person you say you are. Congratulations, you’re the guy who can drink every other guy under the table. Good job, you’re the guy who can bench press your extended-cab pick-up. Fantastic, you’re the guy who can pull an A on the final without studying. Those are all fine accomplishments (except the first one) but they’re all just an act.

The reality of becoming a man must bring in the concept of ought. Obviously, i have a rather particular view of the set of things that are included in ought, but for the purposes of masculinity and manhood i think it boils down to three things: responsibility, leadership, and action. Responsiblity is probably the one that most of us are choking on. Why should we take responsibility? Clearly, it’s x’s fault. I didn’t get this grade because i didn’t go to class, i got it because the professor was a jerk (i’m reasonably sure i’ve said this about every B i’ve ever gotten). For most of us college guys, we grew up in an affluent environment where most of our actions were unlikely to result in consequences of any real magnitude, upon showing up on a college campus responsibilities weren’t increased, they were decreased. With freedom came a list of duties, but many of us gave them a quick look and said “maybe after the weekend”. Gradually we learned that many of them could not be ignored forever (we do need clean clothes). But in my life i see a pattern whereby i’m constantly avoiding any of my responsibilities until they absolutely have to be addressed. That’s not a man, that’s a boy.And i’m tired of it.

Leadership. I’ve got a serious problem with pride. There have been times when i’ve been completely blinded from the truth by pride. For much of my life, i thought leadership was merely being in charge, and, in my pride, i naturally thought that i should be the leader. Wrong. True leadership is two things: service and responsibility. Leadership doesn’t take place in a vaccuum ever. It is at it’s center an interaction among people, whether they know it or not. It is completely unnecessary without a higher goal, if there isn’t something that is being reached for, then there’s no unification within the team. Therefore, the leader must be serving some higher organization or goal. But the service isn’t merely upward facing, that is a hallmark of bad leadership. It also involves serving the ones you are leading. Many times being the leader means having to trade off this service to the higher goal and the service to followers. A seargent in war could spare his men by avoiding the battle, but it would be a loss to the greater cause. On the opposite tack, he could lead them in a frontal assault in an attempt to win for the cause quickly. The wise leader though searches for the ground that serves both. All of us boys who haven’t grown up yet are just serving ourselves, and so leadership looks great because that’s where the glory is, that’s where the benefits are. And consequently, when we achieve leadership, it’s disastrous for all involved. Broken marriages, wrecked companies, twisted lives. A boy striving for leadership is like a dog running after a car, it’s not the much of a problem, and the dog might even learn something after doing it a few times, but what would the dog do if it caught the car? It sure doesn’t know, but whatever it is it can’t end well. Responsibility: see above.

Action. Men don’t just talk about it, they get it done. Action is intimately intertwined with responsibility and leadership. This is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest of the three. So much of our fiber screams to be let loose against everything, but at the same time there are habits, formed as boys, that must be broken. Action is where men prove themselves by not acting out of fear and also by not being fearless, but rather by conquering fear and doing what must be done. The fears we have to overcome are many: rejection, loneliness, weakness, exposure, being wrong, inadequacy, and many more. Action means standing up for what you know is right, whether it’s speaking out against off-color jokes or telling your daughter her dress is too short or if it’s finding out what that noise downstairs was or defending your country. This is the most visible sign of manhood, the willingness to act on what he stands for.

We live in a culture where “becoming a man” is a euphamism for having sex. And i’m sick and tired of being lied to. This world needs more men, and i look forward to the battles ahead for my brothers and i.

Thank you to all the men out there who have shaped me and brought me to where i am today. Dad, thank you for leading our family.